A Letter to Google

Dear Google,

I have been a loyal user for several years. I use many of your various services, from Gmail to Maps and I have no complaints about any of them—with one exception. I am writing today because of the intrusive suggestions of your autocomplete feature on Google search. I feel my privacy has been seriously violated. Below I have copied examples of some of the egregious suggestions Autocomplete has made for various searches.

For the search term “Why” Google suggest:

Why don’t you call your mother?
Why don’t you get some exercise?
Why do you continue to wear that dumb hat? You know the one.

“What”

What are you doing? Like, with your life.
What makes you think you could ever write a novel worth reading?
What look would you say you are going for with that shitkicker hat?

Here is what autocomplete suggested when I searched for the contact information of an ex-girlfriend for the purposes of returning a CD of hers that I had discovered in my apartment.

Alice Daniel is girl you went on two dates with in January, get over it.

And when I searched my own name:

Myles Ma “writer”
Myles Ma hack
Myles Ma dumb hat

As you can imagine, I am deeply troubled by these intrusive and, I must emphasize, inaccurate and unhelpful suggestions. I demand that you adjust your algorithms to account for the fact that my mother and I are on very different schedules and that my friends liked some of the short stories I’ve written recently. I am a loyal user but that may change if these issues are not addressed.

Sincerely,
Myles Ma

Dear Myles,

We at Google read your email with great concern. We take privacy seriously here and we assure you that we are working to address the issues you have had with Google Autocomplete. Specifically, our team is adjusting our algorithm to account for what a shitty son you are and how deluded you are about your writing ability. We believe these changes will make Google search more helpful. Unfortunately, even our most brilliant engineers cannot account for that ridiculous hat you insist on wearing. As a solution, and as an apology for the issues you’ve raised, we would like to send you a complimentary Google baseball cap. The Google Autocomplete team “suggests” you wear it. (Get it?) We hope this addresses your concerns. Please don’t hesitate to contact us if there’s anything else we can do.

Regards,
The Google Autocomplete Team

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